Thursday, February 14, 2008

Breaking Up Without Breaking Down : The Four Stages of Recovery

Working with thousand of people and remembering my own personal experience has led me to the conclusion that breaking up involves four inevitable stages of recovery. These stages take approximately one to two years to complete, although, of course , this can vary. And the interesting things is that these stage are unvaoidable. You can put off breaking up and try to escape the inevitable recovery ,but you won't succeed. The sooner you decide to end the relationship and start the recovery process,the sooner you will be free of pain.



Stage One: The Tearing Apart

Duration: two weeks to two months



When u love another person, you merge your hopes, your dreams, your energies, and your heart with that person's. When you end the relationship, you go through a process I call the Tearing Apart, because thats is how its feels- like a part of you is being torn away.Even if you want that familiar person out of your life ,you will experience the Tearing Apart . The longer you have been together , the longer the Tearing Apart will last .


Characteristics of the Tearing Apart


You feel lost and alone.
You cry alot.
You feel hopeless.
You may lose your appetite.
You feel a constant pain or ache in your heart.
You are swamped with painful memories and nostalgia.
You have a hard time imagining a happy future .
You are tempted to return to your ex-partner.
You have a difficult time just getting through each day.
You feel very sorry for yourself.

The Tearing Apart is the hardest part of breaking up. It feels as though it will never end-but it will.


Tips fot Getting Through Stage One.
  1. Let yourself cry and mourn as much as possible. Dont hold in it, or it will take longer to pass.

  2. Keep busy and spend time with friends and family. Schedule yourself way in advance to avoid those melancholy weekends when you sit home doing nothing and feeling miserable.

  3. Take good care of your body . The more you rest,eat well, and exercise, the better you will feel physically, and this will help you to feel psychologically. Avoid drugs , alcohol, and heavy doses of sugar, all of which will be tempting, but will just add to your sensitivity and depresion.
  4. Avoid spending a lot of time seeing or talking with youe ex-partner. You will be templed to call or see your ex-partner when you are feeling alone or frightened. Don't do it ! Give each other the space to feel who you are separate from one another. The more you stay connected, the Longer Stage takes. Later you will have time to re-form your relationship under different terms.

Stage Two: The Adjustment

Duracion : two to six months

You know you have entered Stage two when you actually start feeling good for a few days at a time. The most intense pain of tearing Apart is over. Now it is time to adjust to your new life without yuor partner. You begin to re-form your personality and identity as a single person. You get your life back in order, you start to bond with other people. You begin looking ahead to the futuru.

Character of the Adjustment

You begin making plant for the future.
You notice yourself having fun again.
You can talk or think about your partner without feeling you will fall apart or get angry.
You no longer feel as much like a victum.
You begin noticing attractive people you'd like to meet.
You cry or feel intensely melancholy less frequently-maybe once or twice a week.
You begin settling think legally and materially with your partner.
you have a clearer perspective on what went wrong.


Stage Three : Healing

Duration : six monts to one year

Stage three sees your life becoming normal again. yuo no longer feel as if you are in transition- you are recoveringfrom the painful time and feeling better every day. you may be involved in a new relasionship orinterested in begining one. You will have much of your business with your partner settled or on the way to being settled. You have survived ! Now you are healing the wounds and becoming whole again.

Characteristics of healing

You are in or interested in a new relasionship.
You feel and look better than you have in a while.
You can takl with your partner wthout getting upset.
You feel positive about the rightness of what has happened.
You feel enthusiastic about what is ahead.
You feel sad or nostalic less often-maybe once a week or every two weeks.
you work to understand what when wrong and what you want to make happen in future relationships.


Stage four : Recovery

Duration : one to two years.


Stage four is a transitional stage in which you clear out any remaining pain from the relationship you have ended, and firmly establishyourself in your new life.You no longer think of yourself as having just ended a relationship. By now, you have a new love interests, new directions in your life. You and your ex-partner have settled into a new kind of relationship with each other which should feel fairly comfortable most of the time. Your new life has begun. Enjoy it !


Characteristics of Recovery

You have adopted new habits and ways of behaving as a result of the mistakes you made in the previous relationship.

People no longer ask you how you are doing all the time.

You are ready to love and be loved again.

You occasionally think of your former partner and perhaps feel nostalgic a few times a month.

You feel happy in your new life.

Going through these four stage can take one year, or it can take five. It all depends on how willing you are to let go of the past, work through your feelings, and use the tools in this book to heal your hurt and disappointment about your relationship not lasting. It still won't be easy, but it won't last forever, and before you know it, you will be loved again.

Di sadur dari buku HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL THE TIME, karya Barbara De Angelis, Ph. Banyak yang cocok dgn kenyatan nih buku, silahkan untuk di baca ya !! hehe... mau baca lanjutannya lagi?? tunggu ya di episode berikutnya......


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